I’m celebrating New Year with my husband this year. I’m blessed to have such a loving husband. But this was not always the case. lonely
2009-2015 Xmases and New Years were a mix of loneliness, hunger, no home and hoping someone will invite me to spend the Xmas with them or a family member can visit me and help me feel less lonely.
2009 Xmas and New Year waiting for 2010 was the hardest ever. I knew that if I survive that one, nothing will ever be as bad and painful as that. And I was right.
At that time I was sleeping on some friend’s couches with warnings that they won’t be able to host me for much longer. I have lost my job, I was suicidal and depressed and had no money for food or presents.
I also had no heart to tell anyone how bad it was. It would have been a burden to them.
I wanted to show myself that I can survive painful things even at times when my wounds were raw open, at times when I couldn’t find much meaning to what has happened to me or will happen to me. Xmas and New Years Eve were spent on my own in yet another apartment in the middle of Camden town in London. I had £15 for the entire week. The worst was listening to groups of friends almost 24/7 partying and having fun.
That’s probably the worst place in the world to be alone and broke for New Years.
But as I went to Sainsbury’s to get some food someone had it worse. The homeless man next to my doors. I shared my food with him. He was in a much better place mentally I noticed. He told me it will get better. I sobbed on my way upstairs as I realised that nothing matters if our minds believe that nothing matters.
I turned on Graham Norton Show who since became my preferred way of entering the New Year.
From there on I either travelled to Morocco to escape Xmas consumerism or I had family members around one way or another. New Years I’d spend in bed alone and happy. I learned that I don’t care about these traditions.
Today Xmas is just another opportunity to be with my loved ones but that’s about it. I try to make every day an opportunity to be with loved ones. Xmas or NYE ain’t anything extraordinary at my table.